Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in nenaconelpoder's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, August 25th, 2007
11:19 pm	Ya estoy curado Anestesiado Ya me olvidado de ti Hoy me despido De tu ausencia Ya estoy en paz. Ya no te espero Ya no te llamo Ya no me engaño Hoy te he borrado De mi paciencia Hoy fui capaz. Desde aquel dia En que te fuiste Yo no sabia Que hacer de ti Ya estan domados Mis sentimientos Mejor asi. Hoy me he burlado De la tristeza Hoy me he livrado De tu recuerdo Ya no te extraño Ya me he arancado Ya estoy en paz. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 14th, 2007
4:06 pm	Tonight I'm probably going to go to Barnes and Noble by myself to look for something to read for the next couple weeks. I was happy with that decision until I imagined going in, tripping over other suburbanites that may or may not be as stir crazy in this town as i am, i can't tell, and chugging something from the cafe while i flip through my mediocre selection. then i'll come home and scare myself with my own reflection all night because i am afraid of the dark and the all the creaking my house does. and more than likely, for the 90384th time today, i will ask myself why i'm not having the same life dilemmas on a smelly, grey, perfect street in L'Hospitalet, because it would mean more there than the useless suburban angst it translates to here. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
6:11 pm	I think one of the things that scares me the most about life and death is that there doesn't have to be an exciting climax. You could be driving around in a rotten mood, having a shitty day, when suddenly you're dead. And your last day was shitty. And your last thoughts were shitty. And that's it. I think I'd rather not go out that way. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 5th, 2007
12:46 pm	I discovered something earth-shaking last night and i've been reeling ever since. On one hand, it helps to learn what I went through from all possible sides, but it is definitely not good for leaving the situation behind. I had some really heady dreams last night involving a series of exes (only one totally random one that i remember in particular) but it makes sense that my head would be back in that space because of what happened yesterday. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind breaks my heart in so many ways. I feel like that every time I realize I no longer remember a phone number or a minor detail of a past relationship that I was sure I could never forget. Humanity is so strange... people can be completely enthralled by eachother without ever imagining that six months down the road, they will be nothing to eachother anymore. Or maybe not nothing, but the connection has decayed and for their own reasons neither can build it back up. It doesn't give me much faith, and i think finding out what i did yesterday has shaken my current situation a bit too. And I'm trying to do damage control on that in my head. After my terrible dreams, we spent all class talking first about Freud, then watching Emma Bovary's final fall. If that wasn't a mindfuck. I kind of get Emma, even though I don't like to think myself such a brat. But in the interest of avoiding a similar fate, i think i'm slowly trying to reshape my idea of companionship. I'm not sure anymore that being in love feels like losing an infinite number of consecutive boxing matches, which it certainly has for me before. But at the same time, when I'm the one in control, I feel manipulative and sorry for whoever i'm with that they have to endure me without understanding what i'm capable of. I think i've always been looking for a really good friendship to fall back on, one that comes with pure, natural chemistry. I think when I find that and it doesn't blow up on one end, that will be good enough for me. But i'm starting to wonder if i'm capable of not causing pain, or if i'll ever be interested in someone incapable of causing me pain. Today I mostly miss the innocence of past relationships. That's a force that keeps coming up in my life. I must have a preoccupation with it or something. Maybe that's why, ever since my last real break-up, all i've wanted to do is leave one place for another. I find innocence everywhere in new places. Shitty little towns like this that i've spent three years in (two of them pretty stagnant) are tainted and i can't get out fast enough. I think I've outgrown my shoes here. I need the distractions and the new faces of a city. Yesterday I felt like there were a million interesting, beautiful people to fall tragically in love with. Today I feel like there aren't any. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
7:38 pm	New York was a dream and the minute I stepped out into the city, I felt completely in line with it. It's obviously very different from Barcelona, my only other reference for city living, as it's much bigger and taller and less friendly. But I think I can really appreciate that about it because its impersonality makes me want to make up stories for all the strange folks running around there. Bussing it in from Queens, we stopped at an intersection and I saw a woman standing on her stoop, praying toward the sun. It was really wild, and it only got wilder. I was sorry to have to leave, and i'm anxious to get there and start living that life for real. FIT was good too. I see it as something I have to take every advantage of and I absolutely will not take it for granted. The connections to the industry are unsurpassed by any other institution and I could end up with a really fucking great job in fashion if I play my hand right. I'm so so ready. Oh! and the damn book store is my mecca. If I may paint a picture: every fashion book ever written (many of them by FIT professors) and a collection of Elles and Vogues from around the world (including Spain, England, and Russia). And Women's Wear Daily. Ahhhhh I think I finally got myself off junk food forever. Lately I've been eating amazingly well and kicking my own ass at the gym several times a week. Okay, except for the occasional spoonful (or 3) of frosting i allow myself, and on Saturdays when I let myself eath whatever i want. The thing is, I don't know what has changed about me that now gives me the discipline to get my shit together and start doing healthy things. I have to believe it's a combination of feeling amazing in Barcelona and not wanting to lose that body, and the influence of the company I've been keeping. And also that I want to look the way I did last year on the beach in BCN. And also that everyone in NY is a freaking size 0 and I'd like to at least look as close to the best as i can. But what a change from sophomore year... All I did was eat fried food, sleep, drink a lot every night, and occasionally go to my later classes. The only thing I would wish back about that time is my hair. I'm never cutting it again and it's going to get long and scraggly and i'm going to love it. I just wish it would hurry up. Enough bullshit. I have an entire drawing to chalk out and a paper to put a dent in. Also I have become quite the TV addict. There are like 4 shows I want to watch tonight in consecutive time slots all across cable. Will have to make some decisions. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
11:22 am	I'm off to New York tomorrow morning with my mom and i couldn't be more excited. The only thing that could get in the way is the fact that we're both deathly ill. I'm convinced I have a throat full of smallpox and my mom sounds like she has no vocal chords. Unbelievable. Last night I stayed up too late charting our course through Manhattan on Google Earth. We are both unstoppable on the shopping circuit, and she bought this magnificent New York guide that i plowed through, picking up addresses of places we'll want to hit up. This trip is supposed to be to see my school and get an idea of where i'll be next year, but i can say with relative certainty that we're going to spend more time at Chanel than at FIT. In other ridiculously amazing news, i have a 12 page art history paper to write in the next month and i convinced my prof to let me do it on American fashion. When i first heard about this paper, i thought it would never get done because of how much i hate lengthy, mundane and pointless papers. Then i thought if i plead my case about going to FIT and how fashion fits a lot of the criteria for art and that it can be addressed in art terms, i could turn a really horrible paper into something really worth doing. And she went for it and i'm psyched. Also i didn't realize you could get old Vogue, Bazaar and WWD articles from forever ago on article databases like JSTOR. If i had known that before now, i would have never made a single friend in college because i wouldn't have had time between downloading articles from back issues. I just got back from the health center and i'm going to pound some meds and try to sleep until art history. Then i have to miss quarters to drive home and prep to get on a plane tomorrow morning freakin before dawn. It's ok, i'm so much more than thrilled to be going. And we're staying in an amazing four star hotel a block from rockefeller! yesss hey only 47 days til im in barcelona!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 1st, 2007
5:51 pm	the worst part about situations like this is the idleness don't want to do anything productive, don't want to eat, can't sleep, don't want to hurt myself because that's useless and irrational, would love to down a bottle of wine but for the sole fact that if he calls i'll be drunk and over-emotional, as if i'm not already. don't want to read magazines and i don't want to see anyone but the one who won't see me. can't think of anything to do tonight except to strip down and kill said bottle of wine in my underwear watching sex and the city for the 9000th time. that's so trite but if i really have to do this whole solitude thing for the rest of the semester, it's looking like the best way to kick it all off. my own humanity fucking kills me and is completely lost on everyone else (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 25th, 2007
4:52 pm	i'm in to FIT and i'm ecstatic but it's weird to have some place else to go... so much has happened in this stupid town and on one hand it will be blissful to start fresh and try to apply some learned lessons to a new place, but at the same time everyone i ever knew here will be a ghost of a past life. i feel the same way about barcelona, actually, although i don't think it will be hard to go back at all because so many of those ghosts were shitty kids anyway. i was at home a lot this weekend because justin is gone and i miss him and i'm just feeling emotionally and physically run down lately. to quote george michael, it's my own stupid fault. i don't want to do anything, least of all the empathy drawing due tomorrow. it's a gross day and i find myself dripping in self loathing and loneliness. stupid. on the drive back this afternoon i was thinking about people and how a person's very existence is an encroachment on the existence of another and sometimes many other people. it kind of made me feel like publically apologizing for being a burden to other people without always realizing it... but then i thought about all the people whose mere existence is a burden on my life and i decided it's just something we all bear and try to think about as little as possible. that, or i'm just in a really volatile mood today. i think the best thing for me is to hop into bed with a gallon of orange juice until i go down to john's to get fat on pizza and judge people at the oscars. Ugh. where is the sun? (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 8th, 2007
2:40 pm	The mere act of talking to an admissions rep at FIT has given me a window into how different life will be next year if i end up in the city. Both guys i talked to spoke in short, rushed breaths that i imagine is sort of the New York way. it doesn't matter... i'm horribly excited and i want my acceptance or rejection now. I almost had a heart attack today when it said I had two holds on my application today, so i called them up and apparently the threatening words "Bursar HOLD" followed by "no action will be taken on your application until you make the necessary changes and notify admissions in writing" are not unique to me, but rather are messages on the bottom of every applicant's app info. I don't get it. Why send people into an unnecessary panic and cause them to call you frantically trying to iron out the non-existent situation? Ah the bureaucracy today i fought heavy eyelids in two morning classes before i came home and did all the awful dishes that have been taking up one side of the sink for 3 weeks. i've been sitting around since... at 3:30 i have another dumb class and after that i'll be off to the gym with john for the first time in over a week. i've been tired and lazy recently and today that has to all stop because i was doing so well and feeling so good. speaking of that, yo se que quieres que sea alguien que puedas llegar a conocer una vez cada ano, cuando mas te conviene, y que te interesa mucho saber donde estoy en cualquier momento y como es mi familia y esas tonterias. No soy el tipo que puedes llegar a conocer de nuevo en el tiempo que gastas tomando un cafe. Aunque pienses que tus mensajes estan bienvenidos, en realidad ya no me importa nada de ti y prefiero que dejes de contactarme. Me hiciste dano cuando mas necesitaba a alguien a mi lado, y ahora que quieres ser mi amigo, estoy completamente harta de ti. Y si no fuera poco, me pregunto si tu novia se da cuenta de que sigues dejandome mensajes... me imagino que no... nunca te importaban los sentimientos de otros. que te jodas. Current Mood: la la (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 4th, 2007
11:35 pm	I find there are lots of people whose presence makes me want to misbehave and act out. People with sqeaky clean surfaces that obscure the view of their inner degenerate the other day matt called me a secret slob and he's right except i dont know how secret i am about it anymore... kind of my whole life is messy the whole way through, both the tangible and the intangible of it. most of the time i think i much prefer to let it all hang out, and i prefer that other people do the same shamelessly... i guess it's about letting people see the vivid, interesting, ever so slightly fucked up person you really are (Comment on this)
Friday, February 2nd, 2007
5:33 pm	A little communication went a long way this week when I was sure it would only hurt me. It was pretty interesting to go against my strongest beliefs in disappearing and erasing everything about a past relationship the minute it ends... i made a phone call that it's against my principles to make and put myself in a bit of an uncomfortably honest place and it made a difference. hmm. I still think that the good outcome of all that is the exception to the rule, so i haven't undergone any huge philosophical changes, but i was interested to know there are those exceptions. today i went to the salvo with matt and picked up a couple Hemingway books, Pride and Prejudice and a really bad fake flamenco album. I also got my first chance to call someone out for talking about me in Spanish. Gringa though I may seem, Spanish I know. There were two guys walking behind me while I was looking at CDs, and one of them muttered "Que linda" right behind me to his friend, at which point i turned around and gave him a really funny look that made his friend crack up. I think he misinterpreted it though because I felt like he was keeping tabs on my location the rest of the time I was there. Oh well, it was funny. Tonight starts my birthday sort of, and I'm excited. It'll be a nice end to an otherwise pretty nightmarish week. Tomorrow i hang out with my family and John has some sort of little surprise I'm looking forward to. Then Sunday my sister's going to try to teach me how to snowboard or something, which basically means she's going to spend the day riendo de carcajadas watching me face plant. I always wanted to do it just once though. Never skiied before and I don't even know if i like it, so i might as well find out. Who knows when all those art projects are getting done. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
12:57 pm	Break ups aren't hard. They're the ultimate test in mental stability and one's threshold for pain before the onset of stark raving madness definitely going to pass this time... it was my doing anyway but starting to wonder if all men aren't really just closeted circus freaks i told my mother this weekend that someday i want to be a rich single mother a la Angelina it seems that every few months something happens that reaffirms that desire it'd be nice to have a few beautiful babies, pay for better help than a real father could even give, and have a couple boyfriends here and there for company, who would of course be ousted the minute they show how batshit crazy they really are. cause god damn (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 22nd, 2007
8:09 pm	today i drew a pretty little hippie nude, sawed through some copper and decided this is the best semester yet. I should have been doing this all along. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
10:31 pm	More terrible dreams last night and the night before. One was about literal monsters and the other a more figurative one. A strange thing happened as I was being pursued in my dream by a cross between the british zombies in 28 Days Later and the crawlers in The Descent... at one point I seem to remember realizing I was dreaming and I could end it by just willing myself awake, but I stayed dreaming anyway for the purpose of surviving through the terror. Then I realized I was not only completely terrified but also pretty interested in seeing where fate would lead me. Then it was 8 am and I remembered that life these days in this place is not that exciting, and i'm not sure i'd want it to be that brand of exciting anyway. I'm not really that curious about what life would be like battling an army of zombie-crawler hybrids. The other day I made Justin check out 4 different Putumayo collections of latin music and so far it's pretty nice. I got Putumayo Puerto Rico, Caribe! Caribe!, Latino! Latino!, and Cuba. Was looking for the blues around the world collection that has the Catalan blues singer on it and Jarabe de Palo but no luck. I also got a cd of classical spanish guitar by Andres Segovia but it isn't as good as I expected. I kind of feel like I could play most of the songs. My aunt is thinking of meeting me in barcelona for a few days when I'm there in May. She's the head nurse of a cruise ship that's doing a Mediterranean cruise in late may and june and she wants to rent a condo and see the city before she embarks. would be fun. i was looking at a map of barcelona today, feeling like i was walking down portaferrisa into the gothic quarter with the soggy streets and the smell of trash in unpredictable clouds, looking into the strange antique shops with the snobbish owners. That city feels like a person to me, like a friend i lost sometime last year and rediscovered in Barcelona. Can't wait to be back. I'm applying for summer jobs around here to try and make lots of money for New York, but if i ever came up with a way to spend the summer there, I would in a heartbeat. Current Mood: dreamy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
2:52 pm	Despite starting my last semester off with a really good feeling about all my classes, today i felt completely pulled back into the emotional suffocation of the last year. i slept terribly last night and had a series of nightmares without murderers, spiders, nuclear wars or disease but things seemingly more awful than all of them. I don't know what to do about it anymore except keep moving on. Always on to the next thing. I don't miss anything about before, but miss the idea of it all and how comfortable i was. i know that the next several years are poised to be as unstable as the last, if not more, and i'm okay with that. It's just some days i feel cold and tortured by my naivete. I'll probably be okay after a workout and a good night of sleep. i just want to stop feeling anything about before, even anger, and i want the skeletons to stop calling to meet for coffee once a year and i don't want any more bad dreams and moments of weakness about any of it. also while i'm at it, it's worth mentioning that i want to stop having to read mundane literature like the second treatise, cause god damn. Current Mood: JODER (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
9:14 pm	according to the extremely scientific face recognition process on myheritage.com, i resemble the following celebrities: katie holmes (71%) cameron bright (66) helen hunt (64) tiffani thiessen (64) amanda bynes (60%) peter andre (59) p.s. OH GOD WHY Julianna Margulies (58) Dale Earnhart Jr. (56) WHAAT Jesse McCartney (55) ...... in other words, time for a new face. can you believe that list?.... (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 30th, 2006
6:07 pm	attn. Fulanito de tal: i think it's lovely to dream of stealing away to europe with whoever you think is your greatest love of the moment, but i'd never dream of it again. i'd much rather be left to my own devices and feel sorry for myself later by my own fault rather than by someone else's ever again. I might be completely incapable of real love anymore, but at least I won't ever be sorry in Europe again. And to me that's far more important right now. I can't wait to board that plane with my tiny bag and myself and leave all the unhappiness and the crushing emotional baggage behind this time around. When I land I get to spend lots of time with a dear old friend who will probably appreciate a more relaxed version of me, being that i spent most of my young life as tightly wound as my mother (and he knows it). And I owe everything good that I am to leaving you 4,000 miles away. The distance killed me first and then and it saved my life. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 10th, 2006
1:42 pm	today is hell day and i find myself awake incredibly late for having to read 19th century latin american lit, write a paper on it, do an entire life-size nude drawing and finish my painting. Good thing i took five minutes more to write about it. will be so glad when tomorrow is over. No final til Saturday, which means i can relax and leisurely study for the mere two finals i have and whip up another oil painting by next monday. No pasa nada. last night put the cap on a particularly shitty week. Don't reallly want to go into it, suffice it to say that it was super horrible and i was in an awful mood last night from being stupidly overtired and it's all over now. This week will have to be better. I found an awesome flight for 650 direct to bcn in may this past week, but i let too much time go by and now it's up to 880something and i'm pissed. i can still get a flight for 650 if i leave a week earlier, but screw that. What i really want to do is get an open-ended ticket and never come back for like 30 years. I don't know, I'll keep looking I guess.... Off to finish painting Velazquez... (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 16th, 2006
12:54 am	One of my favorite things in the whole world is coming across someone so strange or outrageous looking that it makes me think "you are so cool, who are you and tell me your life story" i'm thinking about this old spaniard man we sat next to in a quaint little cafe for lunch in london... rereading that one entry brought him to mind... the man had on the most ridiculous suit. He reminded me of the gay casino mogul in Ocean's 11 the way his suit was made up entirely of this unbelievably wacky print. And not a thread in the shirt he wore underneath actually harmonized with the print of the suit (come to think of it, there isn't much that would go with such a suit, i guess). He just looked so offbeat, yet something about his complete abandon for even the most basic rules of style made me feel like he was someone important. Like an even more flamboyant Karl Lagerfeld or something. Like how do you arrive at that, that's what i want to know. I might have asked him to tell me everything about himself if he hadn't scoffed at the menu within five minutes and lead his eurotrash chic lady friends out of the cafe. Man was he interesting. I can't wait to be 70 years old and insane like that. i want to go back to barcelona so bad. i need a reason and a way and i'm still trying to come up with that. the trouble is in spain i'm virtually useless with my degree... they're going to be like "congratulations you learned spanish in four years, welcome to a country of people who know the same shit you do and more and you have no other skills except a wild imagination and the unceasing ability to be irrational. Oh and you took some finger painting classes wherein you bastardized the face of our beloved modernist architectural masterpiece and turned it into a bunch of cubist neckties." Oh well, that's why there's legal squatting and people like the wonderful folks at OKUPA. How can you not love bcn? Current Mood: nostalgic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
6:11 pm	everyone i know is in love and i'm just kind of floating numb going through the motions. i remember how to act when in love but have never been a very good faker. (Comment on this)